Dear Unlocking Femininity:
I need some help. My friends don’t understand why it is against God’s plan to do everything that isn’t sex that involves touching places that shouldn’t be touched outside of marriage.
“It’s not technically sex and there’s no consequences,” they say.
I know a lot of teenagers out there struggle with the same thing… so, can you please help with this??
~A teenager from Kentucky
This is definitely an issue that teenagers, college students, and many believers struggle with. I used to believe that if it “wasn’t all the way,” that it wasn’t really wrong. Everyone, especially in the churches, just said “Don’t have sex because God says that’s wrong,” but no one ever explained that everything else is also against God’s plan for our lives. I understand how hard it is to say no to pressure, to feel like it’s right and be told by the world and my friends that what I wanted to do was ok, but now, I know the truth. But just because you aren’t going all the way doesn’t mean you aren’t going too far.
1. It Is Sexual
This might surprise you but the Bible doesn’t really talk much about having sex before marriage. But, what it does talk about A LOT is sexual immorality. (Matt.15:19; Mk.7:21; Acts 15:19; 1 Cor.6:12-20;10:8; Gal.5:19; Eph.5:3; Col. 3:5) God chose to use sexual immorality because it covers everything: blow jobs, oral sex, hand jobs, fingering, intimate touching and intercourse. If someone is touching a part of you that you wouldn’t want exposed in public (or vice versa) and that guy isn’t your husband, then it’s sexual immorality.
Consider this for a moment: If your husband were to do everything but have “technical sex” with someone other than his spouse, what would you think of that? Would you call it cheating or adultery? Would you consider them to have done something sexual outside of marriage? The same thing applies to what you do with your boyfriends; they aren’t your husbands so sexuality has no place in your relationship, it’s cheating on your future spouse. Even Jesus said that having sexual thoughts outside of marriage is considered sexual immorality and adultery. So, if having sexual thoughts about someone is considered adultery, wouldn’t physically sexual acts be considered adultery as well? (Matt.5:28)
The Bible doesn’t just tell us that sex is wrong outside of marriage but everything else that is sexually intimate between a man and a woman is as well. Just because it’s not “technically sex,” doesn’t mean it’s not sexual. God knows what’s right and wrong, what’s good and bad for us and sexual immorality is something He says we’re supposed to flee from, abstain from…anything sexual outside of the union of marriage. Especially as believers, there isn’t to be even a hint of sexual immorality because it’s out of place in the life of someone redeemed by Christ. (Eph. 5:3-4) It hurts the reputation of the Gospel and it is damaging to our heart as well. There are no gray areas when it comes to sexual immorality; if it’s sexual in nature then God has made it off limits until marriage.
2. It Hurts
Ask yourself or ask your friends, after they’ve been sexually intimate with a guy, how do they feel? In the moments leading up to and during, you feel great, you’re excited, you’re having fun and then it’s over. All the hormones and adrenaline wash away and what is left? Feelings of guilt? Shame? Regret?
I would always try to rationalize my actions and tell myself that what I had just done was ok because it wasn’t actually sex; but no matter how hard I tried, I still felt guilty and I knew why…because I was sinning. If sexual intimacy were ok for us outside of marriage then our conscious would be clear before God and we would have no feelings of hurt, regret, or guilt.
But, the same emotions that told you just had to, needed to, wanted to do _______ with your boyfriend are the same emotions that will tell you hours, days, weeks afterward that it was wrong. Your emotions are completely conflicting which is why they aren’t always reliable; but what isreliable is God’s Word.
He doesn’t tell you to flee from oral sex, hand-jobs, and fingering because He’s unfair, old-fashioned and trying to withhold fun from you; He’s saying it because sexually immorality causes hurtful and serious consequences for your heart and your life. There may not be the consequence of pregnancy but there are still consequences of STI’s and thoughts and feelings of hurt, shame, betrayal. Sin hurts you which is exactly why God asks you not to do it. God is trying to help you guard your heart and your body for your husband, for the time when love is ready to be awakened. (Sgs. 2:7;3:5; 8:4)
A bond is formed when sexuality becomes a part of a relationship and it’s a bond that makes the end of that relationship so much more painful. Odds are this current guy isn’t going to be your husband, but he will know a part of you that was only intended for your husband and you will know a part of him that was only intended for his wife. Breakups are hard enough as it is but when you add a sexual bond being broken, your heart ends up being hurt so much more than if sexuality hadn’t been involved. God is trying to help save you so much of the heartache that comes with this sin. Unlike Christ, sin never helps you or tries to protect you; it only desires to devour and destroy you. When sin has a foothold in your life, it is never satisfied until you go “all the way.” This is why God says to flee completely from everything sexual; to protect your heart. Your heart will always regret doing too much but it will never regret doing too little.
3. It Is Not God’s Plan For You
God designed you to enjoy being sexual which is why your emotions tell you that being intimate with your boyfriend feels right. But, God intended for those acts to be done between you and your husband. (1 Cor. 7:2) He wanted you to feel the joy of sexual intimacy in the bounds and safety of a life-long relationship, where the two become one before the Lord. (1 Thess.4:3) From the beginning (Gen. 1-3), God made one man for one woman. He designed sex to be a beautiful union between a husband and wife and any intimacy outside of marriage is an ugly distortion of His plan.
When my husband and I decided to get married, I finally understand the gravity of every sexually immoral thing I had done in my past. God’s plan for me was to marry Alex, meaning that my sexuality belonged only with him, and I went outside of God’s plan. I had let guys experience part of me that was only intended for my husband. I felt as though I had betrayed my husband and I had sinned against the God who had lovingly warned me against sin that caused so much pain. I regretted everything that wasn’t “technically sex” because it was still what God had told me not to do and it was a sin against my marriage. Sin isn’t God’s plan for your life and that includes any sexual intimacy that’s outside marriage.
Everything but all the way is still too much; it’s still sin. It hurts you, it hurts your future spouse, and it hurts your relationship with God. He loves you and only wants the best for you which is staying away from anything that goes against His plan for your life, even “not going all the way.”
So, please sisters, protect yourself and protect your future marriage by listening to God and fleeing from sexual immorality. There are never regrets when you choose purity for your life.